The Life I Hoped For
by ToWriteBlakeOnHerArms
Summary: *Sequel to A Life Worth Living Now that Allen Walker finally has someone to care about him, will he be able to forget his past and move on for the sake of his relationship? Or will he slip back into his old ways when his all too familiar past comes creeping back up to him? And most importantly, will Kanda be able to save him, or disappear when he needs him most?
1. A Violent Awakening

Everyone turned to stare at them as they walked down the hall, not even bothering to hide their lips behind their hands. Even if they did put up a hand for so called "secrecy", it would take a blind man not to know that their lips were quivering with the speed at which they moved, gossiping to one another about the unusual couple. You would think that after three months, everyone would have gotten used to the sight of the raven haired male and his silverette partner walking hand in hand to their lockers in the morning, but yet they continued to stare as if they were aliens invading from another planet.

The taller of the two, the one known for his sharp tongue and heated temper, let out a low growl as one particular comment reached his ears.

"I have no idea why Kanda would go out with someone like that …._thing_" The vile voice whispered snidely, "If I were him, I would have killed his ugly ass within minutes."

Of course it was Sydney – it was always Sydney. Sydney who could make that one comment that got under his skin, who could be heard loud and clear over the other comments floating in the air like a lingering note at the end of a symphony. It was her that could make him murderous in a split second, her that could get his blood boiling and anger flowing faster than the Usagi. Only she could ruin his perfect- or as close to it has he could get – mood as he strode down the hallway with the man he loved.

The short, silver headed boy next to him heard the offending sound and squeezed his hand tightly, trying to convey in that second that everything was fine, that it didn't bother him at all. He was also trying to tell him to calm his tits, but that was a little harder to get across in as simple a gesture as that.

The silent message was received, and the older male tried his hardest to let it going, closing his eyes and taking deep, consoling breaths to calm his racing pulse. He hated it when people talked badly of his lover, looking down on him like he was a piece of chewed gum that was stuck on the bottom of their shoe. When they couldn't scrape him off, they decided to ridicule him until he would break down and cry. But he never did cry, the elder boy thought with a smile. He never once let their words get to him, and for that, he was glad. If he had seen so much as a shadow of hurt cross his mates face for just a moment, he would have gone on a rampage.

You don't mess with his Moyashi.

He didn't care what people thought of him; is hair, his mood swings, the way he was always cold, harsh, and rude unless around that certain someone. All he cared about was _him. _Say what you want about him, but if you mess with the Moyashi, you better run like hell.

The pair strode purposefully through the crowd, watching with silent amusement as they all parted like Moses had descended from the hills and split the sea. When they reached _his _locker, Kanda stepped behind him as he turned the dial on his lock, swinging it open and extracting the necessary books. Kanda wound his strong arms around his waist, pulling him flush against his stomach and attacking his neck with hungry kisses.

The boy wrapped up in his arms let out a moan as Kanda bit his neck in just the right spot to make him shiver where he stood, then continued to torture him as he violently licked the same spot, causing another moan to escape his lips. Turning around slowly, he came eye to eye with his lovers cobalt blue eyes. He smiled widely, knowing that he would only get a smirk or a slight upraise of the left corner of his mouth in return, but not caring all the same.

Slowly, the short teenager went up on tiptoes so as to his arms around Kanda's neck, pulling the male down closer to his height. Slowly, he leaned in, closing his eyes as he inched closer and closer, knowing he was drawing out the moment; and that soon Kanda would grow impatient and forced their lips to meet. He drew out the meeting of lips until Kanda let out a loud growl and shoved his lips onto the smaller male.

Instantly, fireworks danced in both their visions, and sparks were making their lips tingle. It was like this every time they kissed; they felt like they were finally complete, like they had found the missing part of themselves. When they kissed, everything felt so right, even when in reality things were so, so wrong. Just as Kanda ran his tongue across the boys bottom lip, begging for entrance, a certain annoying as hell voice came crashing into their quickly escalating moment.

"Yuuuuuuu!" said the owner of said annoying as hell voice, "Don't you two know that it's too early in the morning for such PDA? Think of the children! Think of ME! My poor, innocent eyes. The light, it burns." Lavi squealed, covering his eyes and falling dramatically to the ground as the pair ripped themselves out of their heated embrace to stare at the balling idiot that had sprawled himself out on the floor.

"Good morning Lenalee," the silverette said, turning to the beautiful Chinese girl that had accompanied the now cowering redhead on the floor. Kanda was standing over him, brandishing his sword with expert like precision. Lavi quickly scooted backwards before popping up quickly, turning and sprinting in the opposite direction of his first class in order to escape the sword welding samurai chasing after him.

"Yuuuu!" Lavi cackled, still trying to egg Kanda on even as he was facing imminent doom. "Does this mean you _didn't _get to stick your dick in Allen's-"

**"Lavi!" **Kanda bellowed; his face heating quickly as a rare blush stole across his face.

Lavi laughed maniacally before sprinting for his life out the front doors of the school, Kanda right behind him, intent on inflicting severe pain.

"Good morning Allen," the Chinese teen responded thoughtfully, "It's a nice day, isn't it?"

"Yeah.." Allen responded, trailing off at the end as he realized that for once, it was a good day. In fact, everyday for the past three months had been a good day. All thanks to Kanda. Just the thought of his violent boyfriend made him smile and blush, thinking of all the time they had spent talking and um…not talking.

"Yeah, I guess it is."

It wasn't until Allen opened his Math textbook that he saw the note crammed inside.

On the page, written in a horrifyingly familiar script, was a message that made Allen's stomach churn with nausea:

I told you you couldn't hide from me forever. Come out come out wherever you are Allen. It's time to play hide and seek, and I've already found you. Watch out.


	2. Surviving Interrogation

_**Hey guys! I'm back! I know this chapter is a little short, but I was rushing to make sure I got it to you on Christmas! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Merry Kwanzaa! Whatever you celebrate, I hope you enjoy! **_

_**I always forget this, so let's just say this stands for the whole story:**_

_**I do not own D. Gray-man **_

_**D: now I'm sad**_

_**Press that review button! It's smexeh!**_

* * *

The rest of the morning Allen was a nervous wreck; constantly looking over his shoulder and peering around every turn. He couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching him. He could feel their stares on his back, their eyes running over his body like hands running over a lover. He was jumpy and nervous, stuttering every time someone asked him if he felt okay (Lenalee during third hour and Lavi during class changes), dropping something when a noise that was too loud startled him, and all around paranoid.

By the time lunch rolled around, he had turned from the calm and collected boy with trust issues, to the bumbling mess you would expect to see curled into the fetal position in a corner at a mental institution. He tried his hardest to appear normal as he strutted into the cafeteria towards his regular table, and he might have actually gotten away with the façade, if it wasn't for a certain concerned samurai that was watching him intently.

Kanda was never the kind of person to care about the well being of another person, he rarely even made the effort to talk to most besides a select few, but when it came to his Moyashi, he was practically a momma bear protecting her cub. It broke his heart to see the lost look on his lovers face. He would willingly destroy the next person to look at him funny to protect him. Hell, he would beat the next person that so much as breathed in Allen's direction into a bloody pulp if it would erase the tortured look in the small teen's eyes.

The second Allen reached the table where Lenalee, Lavi, and Kanda congregated; he plopped down next to his raven haired samurai and snuggled into his side, basking in the warmth that could only ever be Kanda. Kanda automatically wrapped his strong arm around Allen's shoulder, crushing even farther into his side. Allen buried his face in Kanda's rib cage, trying to block out the events of the morning, craving the feeling of security he always had when he was wrapped up in the older male's arms.

He breathed in deeply, inhaling the familiar scent of ginseng, spice, and spearmint, Allen smiled in contentment, knowing he was safe and sound; knowing that nothing could happen to him right here, in this loving embrace that he had come to yearn for. He needed this like a drug; it had infected his system, slowly being given to him in small doses before it became a natural thing. Every time he had that small amount of affection from his otherwise emotionless mate, he was both satisfied and left wanting more. It just went downhill until now, when he physically _needs_ the warmth that radiates from Kanda's body, or he wasn't sure if he could function.

"What's wrong?" Kanda whispered in Allen's ear, sending goose bumps rising to the surface as his breath tickled Allen's sensitive skin.

"Nothing," he breathed back, feeling horrible for lying to his love, but not wanting to burden him with his problems. Over the months they had been dating, neither one of them had been very fond of talking about their past. It wasn't even a subject they had approached. It was an unspoken agreement between the two that they wouldn't broach the subject until they were ready or they absolutely had to.

Allen was positive that this entire ordeal was only occurring _because_ of his past.

And being Allen, he didn't feel as if this had to be shared, so he wasn't going to. He just didn't want anyone to worry about him.

"Don't lie to me Moyashi," Kanda growled lowly in his ear, irritation evident in every syllable he muttered, "Everyone else might be fooled by that carefully constructed mask of yours, but I'm not going to let you get away with it. Now, tell me what the hell is bothering you, or I will make you."

To anyone else, the threat Kanda was issuing would have sent them spilling their guts and their deepest secrets. Allen just found it amusing. He knew that Kanda would do nothing to hurt him; he had proven that time and time again over the period of time that they had come to love each other. The threat was empty; at least in the sense of the older teen inflicting physical pain on the other.

Kanda would merely use other means to get what he wanted.

"BaKanda," Allen sighed; trying desperately to bring up that mask of his, the one that would allow him to placate his aggressive lover and minimize the guilt. He hated what he had to do, but he couldn't have Kanda worrying about him, he just couldn't. After everything Kanda had to go through for him, he deserved to never have to worry about Allen again. At least, that's what the Moyashi thought.

"There is _nothing _wrong with me." He stated firmly, inwardly cringing at the conviction in his own voice. He turned his body so that he was fully facing his BaKanda. He carefully raised his hands up to the elders face, caressing both his cheeks with his soft hands, and looked up into the twin swirling pools of cobalt that held barely suppressed anger at his Moyashi. As Allen leaned in closer, Kanda's breathing hitched – one of the many effects Allen had on him that he was ashamed of – and his heart skipped a beat as Allen's breath ghosted over his lips, making him shiver in anticipation.

_'Damn it Yuu!' _Kanda inwardly cursed himself, '_He's just trying to distract you! Stay focused! Stop thinking with your dick and worry about the Moyashi! He obviously has something bothering him!' _

The battle being fought in Kanda's head was soon over when Allen's soft, plump lips came into contact with his own. Instantly, a spark ignited their lips, a low burning flame that had become a permanent part of their kisses. Kanda moaned in ecstasy when Allen leisurely ran his tongue along his bottom lip, forcing Kanda to part his lips and allow Allen entrance. They immediately started an epic battle with their tongues, neither wanting to give in.

Eventually, as always, Kanda won the fight for dominance. He went to work on Allen's mouth; exploring every inch thoroughly before moving in and biting the tip of his lovers tongue before sucking on it gently to relieve the sting, causing Allen to moan like a whore. He pulled back slightly, a blush littering his pale cheeks. He had never wanted to be caught in public making _that _noise, yet here he was, moaning loud enough for the entire fucking world to hear.

Despite Allen's discomfort with his public display of affection, Kanda was uncomfortable for an entirely different reason. You see, Kanda, being a fully developed man – one with hormones no less – who was feeling the effect of Allen's moan. In fact, he had a rather….large... problem that the Moyashi had left him with. He groaned in frustration, knowing it wouldn't go down with the Moyashi sitting next to him, cuddling cutely into his side. He was going to have to excuse himself at some point to spend some quality time with his right hand because his lower regions were throbbing painfully against his jeans.

It wasn't until Allen looked up at him smiling oh-so-innocently that he knew what was actually going on.

'_Nicely played Beansprout,' _Kanda thought; half bitter at the situation he was put in, half in admiration at his lovers tact, '_You may have distracted me for now, but I'm not letting this go.'_

And we all know that when Kanda Yuu makes a promise like that, especially when it involves the well being of his silverette, he was bound to keep it one way or another.

Good luck Allen.


	3. Broken Memories

**Here it is! Chapter three is up! I was supposed to have this up yesterday, but certain parts made me want to curl up and die, but they had to be written. R&R!**

**I do not own -Man**

* * *

They were everywhere. After the first one had arrived exactly three weeks ago, the little slips of white paper kept creeping into his everyday life. Nowadays, nowhere was safe. He found them in his locker, his school books, his jacket pockets, God; he even found one in **Kanda's **room when he was in there….studying…..last week. They were inescapable and unending.

The words that were scrawled across each new piece of paper were perpetually flittering across his mind in an endless loop. Some just so happen to stick out more than others.

Run run run all you want little Allen, but you will soon run out of places to go.

It's like a game of cat and mouse, and the outcome is irrevocable. Just like always, I will catch you.

Some that he received hinted at his past.

Even when you're silent I can hear your screams.

You're still the best I've ever had, you dirty dirty whore.

The most disturbing though, were the ones that weren't about him at all.

Lenalee is such a delicate flower, a shame if that flower were to get….damaged.

Lavi only has one eye, are you really going to cost him his other?

The worst of all; were for that one person he couldn't live without.

Kanda better watch out, I don't like to share.

They numbers kept growing. Over the course of three weeks, the number of notes Allen received grew in number, length, and cruelty as the days wore on. Now, he was getting multiple a day. They just kept piling up; a dangerous stack of warning and worrying messages written in blood that constantly plagued Allen's already troubled mind. The last thing he needed was a reminder of where he came from, and here it was, showing itself to him several times a day. He knew someone from his past was looking for him – and if the letters were to be believed, they had already found him – but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out _who_.

Every waking hour of every day, Allen was racking his brain for clues, but the number of people who would want to reclaim him was dizzying. He didn't have a very desirable life; a fact proven by the scars and burn marks covering his body.

It was these aforementioned blemishes on his snowy pale skin that he was tracing as he had a sudden memory from the years previous. With a sharp intake of breath, Allen was sucked out of his right mind into the place he was in for years of his life.

**^^%&%)(*&!^$(&% (&%$ (*!&(* FLASHBACK BITCH! !_*&#!(^(!^*&^(*& (^*&^!(*^(*^!*&^%**

The man forcefully shoved Allen face down onto the bed, his raucous laughter the only thing that could be heard aside from Allen's tear full sobs and near silent pleas. The harsh sound grated on Allen's eardrums - a very sensitive area for him, having been attuned to playing and tuning musical instruments – and sent him into yet another round of hysteria. He didn't want to be here. Hell, right now, he didn't want to be alive. _He _promised last time that it wouldn't happen again. _He_ said he could finally stop. It wasn't until now that Allen knew _he _was lying.

Allen lay face down on the bed, the stench of which was bombarding his senses, the odor of sweat, mold and stale sex floating into his nose and triggering his gag reflex. Silently, Allen wept to himself as he felt the man hovering over him violently flip him over. Before he could get a good look at the man's face, his assailants lips were fiercely and firmly attached to his own; biting and licking and sucking in an attempt to get the young boy he was attacking to respond to him. Much to Allen's dismay, the faceless man on top of him – for he had laid down on the young Moyashi when he instigated the kiss – grew impatient with his lack of enthusiasm, and viciously ripped open Allen's clenched teeth with his hands, the rough surface of his palms grating on Allen's smooth flesh.

With the new access to Allen's mouth, the older male thrust his tongue into the boy's mouth eagerly, licking his way around the spacious cavern he had discovered. Allen shivered in disgust at the man's actions; he hated the way in which his slimy tongue moved around his, trying and failing to gain a reaction out of him. Allen had given up on fighting back a long time ago, the punishments for such actions not worth the few seconds of dignity he gained from putting up a fight.

Soon, the assaulted boy could feel his attacker's boner pressing firmly into his stomach; a sure sign that this torture was only the first of many. Allen knew that all too soon, this small pleasure that came to the man wouldn't be enough. Not if the hardness he was feeling pushed against his frail body was any indication on how much he was enjoying this.

Allen was right.

The man above him threw Allen's head back onto the pillow forcefully, his forearm trapping both of Allen's above his head. He roughly started violently biting and sucking on the soft flesh of Allen's neck, making the young boy beneath him shiver. He took this as a sign of wanting – needing- but in reality, Allen couldn't stand the feel of his slimy tongue on him. The same lips that were attacking his skin were the ones he wished he could staple shut and nail to a moving vehicle. The last thing on Earth he wanted was what he knew was coming.

Before he knew it, his shirt was off; flung somewhere across the room as it was no longer needed. His pants soon followed, and he looked up in agony as his captor removed each article of his own clothing, something in his sick mind telling him Allen wanted this, dreamt about it, _yearned _for it. Allen cringed as the man stood up, now completely naked, his erection sticking up proudly as he wandered over to the dresser across the room and started rummaging around for something.

Once again, Allen's eyes scanned the room, looking for an easy escape route, someone to call out to for help. Consciously, he knew there was no such thing as an easy escape from this particular building (for he had been here before) and he was well aware of the fact that everyone else in the area was just like this man; cold, cruel, and willing to pay to satisfy himself. It was a mere act of self preservation, a reaction he had nearly done away with completely. It was heart-warming and heart breaking at the same time. He wanted to save himself, but he knew he never would.

The man turned back around with a sadistic smile, holding up a near empty tub of mint flavored lubricant. He strutted over to the bed hastily, not being able to wait any longer for what he had paid for. He teasingly pulled Allen's boxers off before climbing into his lap and straddling Allen's hips. He applied the lube generously, tossing the bottle to the side as it squeezed out its last drops. He lowered his upper body so that his chest was pressed tightly against Allen's trembling form. He leaned his head down so that his mouth was level with Allen's ear.

"Don't worry Allen," the man breathed huskily, "I'm gonna make you scream."

With tat sentence said, he flipped Allen onto his stomach, ass high in the air, in perfect position since the man was now kneeling on the need. He gently lined himself up at Allen's entrance. Allen let out a choked sob just as he felt the man fill-

**%!(^#%~(^~&%#&%~)#%&~%!$*&)$#` End of Flashback! &$%&%$(^^$^%#$%!*^#*!%**

"Moyashi!" Kanda screamed again, near tears and debating slapping his broken looking lover. He had been walking towards the library when he heard a heart broken shriek coming from behind Allen's door. He immediately went into a panicked frenzy, desperately trying to get to his distressed lover. He even had to resort to busting the door in because the Beansprout didn't come to the door.

Upon entering, he found his Moyashi curled up in a ball on the floor, tears falling in streams down his face, choked sobs and tortured screams erupting from his small body. Kanda grabbed his shoulders trying to shake him awake, but nothing had worked.

Suddenly, Allen's eyes sprung open, and in that one moment before the world came into clarity, Kanda saw the broken shards of Allen's heart that needed repairing. The haunted and tormented look in his eyes told Kanda all he needed to know; his Moyashi needed him, and he was going to be there.

Gently, Kanda gathered the bawling teen into his loving embrace, soothingly rocking the two back and forth in the hopes of placating the boy that was coming undone in his arms. After what felt like hours of rocking and whispered words of encouragement and reassurance, Kanda felt Allen's heart rate slow, his breathing steadily becoming slow and calm. He smiled sadly as he heard the cute little snores emanating from his sleeping Beansprout, distraught and confused beyond belief at what he had witnessed.

He picked up Allen's unconscious body and laid him down tenderly on his bed, tucking him in. He stepped back and stared down morosely at the beautiful broken boy that lay before him. He leaned down, planting a kiss as soft as a butterfly's wing on Allen's forehead before turning and stalking swiftly towards the door. Only one thought was on his mind as he hastily left Allen's now silent room.

'_What in the hell is going on with my Moyashi?'_

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**I know, you all want me dead. But in my defense, it had to happen! You wouldn't read the story if it was all fluff, all the time! Leave a review! If I get_ five_ reviews this chapter, I'll update by Sunday!**_  
_


	4. Former Friends

_**Hey guys! I know this is freakishly late, but I've been majorly sick this past week. I got out of the hospital on friday, and I was still feeling like shit. Anyway! I'm feeling a lot better, and I promise to have a chappie up sometime this week!**_

_**I do not own -man**_

* * *

It had been exactly two hours since Allen's breakdown, and Kanda was wandering around the school rounds, lost and confused as to what in the fuck was wrong with his Moyashi. Over the past month or so, Allen had become more and more withdrawn. Always looking over his shoulder, always afraid. He had always been a little skittish and untrusting, but he had never been afraid of his own shadow before. He acted like he didn't notice, trying to placate the idiot Beansprout into thinking he was getting away with hiding things, but in all honesty, he was waiting for the Moyashi to slip up and drop a big enough hint so that he could confront him about it.

When Kanda had walked in and found Allen in his state of despair, he almost lost it; the last thing on earth he wanted to see was his lover in any kind of pain, especially from a threat as unknown as this one, for Kanda could do nothing about it himself. It's different from when Allen was being bullied earlier in the year; all he had to do then was beat some guys up and make some loaded threats. They all knew Kanda would slice them into pieces and give them out to children on Halloween. For some reason, Kanda felt that whatever – or whoever- was bothering Allen wouldn't be deterred by the peril of Mugen being shoved up their ass.

The thought of Allen's faceless assailant angered Kanda beyond the point of control. How could anyone harm the Moyashi? With his sweet smiles, tender heart, and tough exterior, who could find it in them to put the boy through more pain than he had already been through? Kanda didn't know much about Allen's past- it was a topic that Allen tried to stealthily avoid, one that Kanda wasn't going to press until he had to- but he had a seeking feeling of conviction in his stomach that his lover's behavior and this new peril were linked to whatever the hell it was he had lived through.

As thoughts of Allen plagued his busy mind, Kanda didn't much care who else was walking around the school building. In his mind – which almost always proved to be accurate – if someone else was walking across his path, they would have the presence of mind, and self preservation, to move out of his way to avoid dismemberment. That is why when a strong, solid force ran straight into the troubled Kanda, he was shocked. Not just shocked, furious.

_'Who in the fuck thinks they can just walk around and fucking knock somebody the fuck over? What the actual fuck?_' Kanda thought lividly. '_This fucker needs to watch where the fuck he's going or I am going to fucking murder his dumbass where he stands.'_

Preparing to give this dipshit a reason to curl up in a corner and cry his eyes out, Kanda raised his head slowly, giving the poor soul time to run before he got a glimpse of his face. As his eyes got further and further up their ascent, Kanda's anger only rose with it. With everything going on with Allen and the stress of school and Allen and his annoying-as-hell dad coming into town and school and ALLEN, he just did not need this right now. The imbecile that ran into him was going to wish he was never born after Kanda unleashes all his anger out on him, as he plans to do.

"You mother fucking piece of shit!" He swore lowly, and eerie level of calm creeping into his voice, something more placating and deadly than the cutest of venomous snakes. "Who the fuck do you think you are? Running into me like you own the damn place. Do you actually think I'm going to-"

He cut off quickly, all sense of reality leaving him along with his words as he stared up into the familiar golden brown eyes that haunted his dreams for so long. All he could do was stand there and gape at the figure in front of him, dumbfounded and horrified at what he saw. After all this time, he never thought he would see this person again, yet here he was.

The breath came rushing out of Kanda's lungs in one solid gust as he exhaled in obvious surprise. The man in front of him looked exactly as he had when they were younger, only slight differences like the length of his unruly and his drastic height change. Of course, Kanda himself had changed; he was more muscular than he was before, his body toned and cut to perfection, not an ounce of fat anywhere. He had grown; both in height and into his features that used to be slightly too big for him.

At that moment, the startled samurai was thinking a thousand things at once, his thoughts jumbled and confusing, running over and cutting each other off. His mind was one big contradiction at this point. The unexpected return of one of the most important people in his life was not something he would be taking lightly in any way.

'_What is he doing here?' _His subconscious hissed inside his head. '_How could he have found me? There is no way he could have found me here on accident, so why was he here? What did he want from me? More importantly, what did I want from him?_

"Tsk tsk tsk." The teenage boy in front of him tutted in mock disappointment, slowly shaking his head back and forth as if the mere thought of Kanda's language went against everything anyone had ever told him; which, in all honesty, it probably did. "Is that anyway to greet your long lost friend?" He asked innocently, sending a seductive smile at the still gaping boy.

At the sound of his voice, Kanda's brain seemed to clear, and all he did was take in the sight in front of him. The dark hair, warm, chocolate eyes, and teasingly smug smirk. The way two thick strands of hair fell down to frame his slim face. His lips, as pink and plump as he remembered them. He remembered the way he used to stare at them for hours, knowing exactly the way they moved to form each consonant and vowel. Every thin about him was familiar, yet so, so unknown. He used to know this man like the back of his hand, every move and word he would make before he made it, and deep down he knew it was the same person, but he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something different about him. The time apart had definitely affected them both.

Gathering his courage, Kanda opened his mouth and spoke.

"What in the hell are you doing here Alma?" he asked, his voice laced with venom and wonder, with something lying underneath. Something he didn't want to have to acknowledge. Something like longing.

"Why Kanda," he inquired, his voice filled to the brim with amusement, "isn't it obvious? I'm here to reclaim my long lost lover."

Suddenly, his mask of humor and arrogance fell away, leaving behind a tender and caring look that tugged at Kana's heartstrings.

"I missed you Kanda."

Shit just hit the fan.

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_**Aaaaaaaaannnnnddd...enter mysterious male. Who could he be in relation to Kanda? and who is he back to win? Kanda? Draaaammmaaa! Leave a review!**_


	5. A MidYear's Day Terror

_**Hey guys, I know it's been a while, but I have a legit reason. First, my computer died on me, taking this chapter with it. Then, I was having some...issues with some former friends at school. But the real reason it's taken so long is that a few weeks ago, i found one of my classmates hanging herself in the locker room. I went for help, and she's okay now, but it scared the shit outta me. I've pretty much spent all my free time at the hospital with her. She's on suicide watch there. Anyway, onward to the chapter!**_

_**Je ne possede pas ~man.**_

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Allen awoke with a gasp, the shock from his slumber sending him crashing into reality. An element from his sleep had startled him out of that eerie limbo between sleep and consciousness, but for once it wasn't the monsters of his past or the ghosts stalking his every move in the present. No. It was the realization that he had slept; no nightmares, no flashbacks, no ruined fantasies, and no heart breaking loneliness. It was just sleep. A dreamless, peaceful, life restoring sleep.

That was what both astounded and startled him.

He hadn't slept soundly since he started receiving letters from his "admirer," as Allen had taken to calling him. The disturbing, vivid messages he had been finding had messed up his head, forcing him to delve into the parts of his mind he swore he would never touch again. Violent nightmares and vivid flashbacks haunted him in slumber, and twisted visions stalked him throughout the day.

He was becoming a mere shell of what he was at the beginning of his relationship with Kanda; he was now a shell of an already broken boy. Pathetic, really. Or, at least, that's what he thought. Those were the words taunting him as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. The hollow, jaunt face, sallow, sickly complexion, and sunken in eyes caused him to wince and look away in contempt.

In an attempt to distract himself from the disconcerting image that reflected his outward image, Allen's gaze wandered down to his hands, his hands nervously twisting and intertwining with one another. The long fingers on his right hand picked at the flesh of the opposite ruthlessly. Watching as blood from his tattered skin flowed in streams down his hands, Allen kept picking, imagining that he was picking away the specks of dust and dirt that were clinging to his skin like a Titanic passenger to the last life boat. That's how this entire ordeal made him feel; dirty.

All he could feel were eyes watching him, roaming his body as the phantom figure smirked in sly victory. He could imagine how his stalker would lick his lips and watch Allen's backside as he walked in any direction. He could practically feel the man's – for he was convinced this person was one of his…patients, and they were all only men- hands running over his body, and the onslaught of emotions he felt at such utter violation was overwhelming. He felt dirty, disgusting, the lowest scum you could find. He felt like the dog shit you stepped in and stared at in contempt as you mercilessly scraped it off on the harsh pavement.

Over and over again Allen's nimble fingers tore open his flesh, his hands becoming more and more bloodied at an alarming rate. He wouldn't stop, he couldn't. It was like a force inside him was telling him he wanted this, he _needed _this. He was taking in an immense sense of pleasure at the sting emanating from his shredded wrists. As he stared down at the growing amount of blood and discarded clumps of flesh dangling from his arms, he smiled a truly sickening smile. It was filled with sadness, disgust at his own actions, and fear. Fear that he would do this to himself. But there was also a sick undertone of satisfaction shining behind his eyes, and that was enough to worry anyone.

Amongst the Red Sea that had erupted on his forearm, a face popped into Allen's mind. Kanda. The image of his excruciatingly beautiful samurai was enough to make his entire body tense and his blood to run cold. His thoughts were instantly berated with a mental slide show of pictures of his lover. Kanda smiling down at him, that loving glint in his eyes that never ceased to make Allen's heart race. Kanda training, wielding Mugen like it was an extension of his own limb, his shirt off and tight abdominal muscles gleaming with sweat. Kanda, his fists and jaw both locked in an iron seal, hovering over a group of jocks who had dared yell the word fag at his beloved Moyashi, his eyes blazing and flashing dangerously. Allen had to physically restrain him at that moment.

Each illustration of his lovers multiple sides tugged at his heart strings, but the picture that was truly Allen's undoing, was much more touching and intimate than all of the above combined. It was the image of Kanda, one arm propping his head up as he lay on his side, the other reaching out as his fingers gently stroked Allen's cheek. It was a simple gesture, one of many that stole Allen's breath away in their quiet moments together, trapped in their own world, but it never ceased to amaze him. The amount of longing and lust, love and happiness wrapped up in Kanda's cobalt eyes was like a promise. A promise that they were forever.

The troubled teen finally broke through his own mind, returning to reality and jumping in revelation at what he had done. Instead of the rush of adrenaline and exhilaration that he had from the torn flesh before, it was replaced with revulsion, both at himself and the thoughts that drove him to do this. A wave of nausea hit him like a tidal wave as he stared down at the scene he had created. His skin resembled the Atlantic ocean in the dead of winter; chunks of his pale flesh barely clinging to his arms, swimming in a sea of red blood.

The puddle he had created on the floor was growing, and he was so ashamed. How could he do this to Kanda? How could he stand there so nonchalantly and mutilate his skin? Kanda would be torn up about it.

'_God,'_ Allen thinks to himself, _'He wouldn't even be able to look me in the face. I'd probably disgust him, like the little freak I am. God, I don't deserve him.'_

That's all he could think about as he calmly washed the blood off his limbs, not even wincing when he accidently tore off a chunk of flesh when he was scrubbing his arm. The sentence was running through his head as he bandaged his wounds and got down on his hands and knees, desperately trying to erase all signs of what happened in his bathroom. It was all he could see, hear, or think as he changed his clothes and climbed into his bed, preparing himself for a restless sleep filled with nightmares and memories. It was the last thing he whispered to himself in muted agony as he was engulfed by the welcoming darkness of sleep.

_'I don't deserve him.'_

_Recap:_

_ "I missed you Kanda."_

_ Shit just hit the fan._

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Kanda asked, his wits finally coming about him, at least his vocabulary was no longer hindered by the shock of the situation. "You can never, and will never 'reclaim your lost love.' That person, the person I was with you, that person doesn't exist anymore! _You _destroyed it! _You _did this!

"You are the cause of all the sleepless nights! The dead silences! The endless worrying! Do you know how lost I was? Do you know how fucking terrified I was for you? Of fucking course you don't you selfish bastard! How the fuck did you figure you could bring your abandoning ass back in here and I'd accept you like I was fucking waiting for you to return from school. Those days are over."

As Kanda continued on his rant, the man's smile slowly dwindled. When he had left town, he never knew how much it would affect those around him. All he could think about was leaving the hell he called home. Now, he sees just how much he should have stayed.

"You're such a fucking arsehole, you know that?" Kanda cursed, his accent slipping out in his blinding rage at his former best friend. "You can't just waltz in here like you own the god damn place and say you want back in. This isn't some random ass black jack game in Vegas, and I am not some fucking cheap ass whore you can win over and impress with your fucked up tricks and dirty mind games. Get it through your fucking head. We. Are. _**Never. **_Getting. Back. Together."

With that final statement, Kanda turned away from the shell shocked look on Alma's face and stormed away, his footsteps resounding in the abandoned garden with an eerie echo. Each step was like a knife in the heart to the teen trying to rekindle his lost love. He had never, not in his life time, wanted to hurt Kanda Yu in anyway. He was too perfect, too fierce, to be forgotten, and too untrusting to let go of after you've broken down his walls.

It was standing there in the harsh winds, shell shocked and bleeding love from the wounds of Kanda's words, that he made himself a promise.

_'Kanda Yu, I will win you back. You will be mine once more. I promise.'_

Little to the knowledge of the determined adolescent, the second Kanda Yu entered his dorm room, he pressed himself against the locked door, slowly sliding down, until his butt was firmly connected to the ground. He then proceeded to fight off tears before one lone drop of water fell from his left eye. After that, rainclouds opened in the samurai's eyes, and he cried his eyes out.

Sadly, this is what happened to Kanda Yu, not just because of his run in with Alma, but also bundled with the confusion of his feelings for his two loves, both old and new, and his feelings of helplessness for the Moyashi's situation. As he sat there and cried, all he could think was this:

_'What the fuck is happening to you Yuu?'_

* * *

**_Am I forgiven? Review? Pweeeeeaaase? So I'll post something in a week?_**


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